Jesus didn't save me...

I'll dare to say it...

Lately I've been considering the thought,

"If Jesus died for my sins, He failed, because I still sin. He didn't save me from my sins at all."

Because guess what? I still sin! "Sin" meaning causing others pain, doing things I don't want to do like getting mad or sad, thinking only of myself, etc. It is true that Jesus motivates and inspires me to love others... and that in the midst of "sin" He renews my perspective and changes my focus.

But I still sin.

For a long time, I didn't know how to accept this. If I love Jesus and do this whole Christian thing, why do I still sin? Why do others, whom I respect, who've spent countless hours praying and reading the Bible, still hurt me? It just doesn't make sense. And quite honestly, it sounds like a lot of effort for little result.

Or I've simply missed the point. And the classic Christian saying, "Jesus saved me from my sins," leaves out an awful lot of important information.

I can already hear my mother saying, "But Jesus saves us from the consequences of our sin!" Okay I can see that, sort of... or not, because I still have to face the consequences when I hurt a friend or am self-absorbed, etc. But I know she is referring to the illusive "Hell" - the dark, scary place that little is actually known about.

In fact, I did a little research on it. "Hell" turns out to be quite a confusing idea. Jesus Himself referenced several different types of hell. It's as though the Bible couldn't make up its mind. If you would like more information about this study - please reference Bruxy Cavey and the podcast "Hell" recorded 11/23/08 as part of the Beyond the Grave series.

I am not a Christian because I am afraid of hell. That just sounds, well, sad - and means that all Christian faith is really motivated by fear. "Become a Christian, or else... you'll go to hell!" I know that's why I became one when I was four years old. I came into my parents room crying, "Please don't let me go to hell!"

Is that really the reason we believe?

I sure hope not.

So if I am not a Christian to avoid sin or to escape hell, then why am I one?

To live free now.

Not free from sin (or the act of sinning)....

But free from guilt and condemnation. In fact, with Jesus, I can "sin" better. I can hurt your feelings, realize I did it, then do something about it. I realize that people are able to do this frequently without God's help... to some extent. But I've seen inside my soul and know its potential to do evil, and I know how weak willed I can be to do what I know is right. Exhibit A would be ice cream. I just know I shouldn't eat more of it... but oh I want it so bad.... God strengthens me, compels me, to embrace courage when I just couldn't find it within myself. And saves me from this sickening guilt I often feel when "my dark side" wins.

I am free from trying to do everything on my own. From trying to be "good" and do good on my own effort. It's exhausting, trying to be perfect. With Jesus, I can let go of that unrealistic expectation and embrace reality. I am imperfect and this is a beautiful thing. He is God and I am not. If only I would quit trying to be a god...

I am free to heal. He heals me when people just can't. When nobody will apologize. When I just can't find what I am looking for in anything I do - no matter how hard I work, how much I play. I move from constantly striving... to peace. I base my identity in how He sees me - which frees me from anchoring it to any of the thousand unstable options available in our world. Which oddly, frees me to adjust quicker and changes my perspective.

He frees me. Now. From too many things to list in a blog (you would get bored). So I am trying to think of a better, shorter way to sum it all up, because when people ask, "Why are you a Christian?" I just can't say, "Because Jesus died for my sins and saved me from hell." It just simply won't do.

Lighted dancers

Just thought this was interesting....

"The dancers' suits were outlined in multiple colors of EL, with an intentionally "loose" aesthetic that made them appear to be live dancing versions of a sketch."

EL wire: thin electroluminescent wire that looks like neon when hooked to a power source.

Love your neighbors...

"If I define my neighbor as the one I must go out to look for, on the highways and byways, in the factories and slums, on the farms and in the mines - then my world changes. This is what is happening with the 'option for the poor,' for in the gospel it is the poor person who is the neighbor par excellence...

But the poor person does not exist as an inescapable fact of destiny. His or her existence is not politically neutral, and is not ethically innocent. The poor are a by-product of the system in which we live and for which we are responsible. They are marginalized by our social and cultural world. They are oppressed, exploited proletariat, robbed of the fruit of their labor and despoiled of their humanity. Hence the poverty of the poor is not a call to generous relief action, but a demand that we go and build a different social order."

Gustavo Gutierrez, The Power of the Poor in History

Gustavo Gutiérrez Merino, O.P., (born 8 June 1928 in Lima) is a Peruvian theologian and Dominican priest regarded as the founder of Liberation Theology. He sees that among the poor there is an “absence of recognition of their own human dignity and of their condition as daughters and sons of God”.

Another take on taxes.

Taxes are a way of buying into our government,

As a stakeholder buys shares into a corporation.

When you invest your resources,

You are more likely to invest your interest -

You care more because it involves your contribution,

And you care about your money

(Sometimes more than anything else).

A government that receives no money from its people,

Finds money elsewhere.

(From oil, for example.)

And it no longer needs to be as concerned about its people.

This is the story of a Middle East country,

As I hear it from my Middle Eastern friends.

Do we want our government to be like a business -

Whose primary concern is profit,

Or do we want a government who cares about its people -

Their rights, voices, and needs?

Pay taxes. Your government needs you and you need it.

Note: The author acknowledges that governments are inherently corrupt, however she maintains a naive belief that all human systems are redeemable. Furthermore, she has not found another system with less faults and is not willing to give up on the progress made so far - remembering those who work tirelessly for freedom in the past and in the present.

modern dance

Occasionally I'll force myself to attend a modern dance performance. I'll find out about one either through a friend or an advertisement and I'll think "I should go because as a designer, this is an art form I should care more about." Or more honestly, "I should go because I want to be perceived as someone who cares about all art forms." And so I found myself, once again, sitting in a darkened theater, waiting for a performance to begin last Friday. The thick, traditionally red curtains drew back and twenty something dancers in pastel leotards began to rhythmically step onto the stage. I recognized one dancer, our friend, Chelsea - the one who had invited us to this particular performance - though the dancers are hard to identify due to their similarities in form, hair style, and makeup.

I quickly realized that this was not the normally boring modern dance performance. First of all, the movements struck me as odd, particularly in their abruptness. Graceful, precise movements were mixed with quick sharp energy - a sudden nod of the head or shrug of the shoulders, for example. Some movements were filled with resistance, as though they were fighting the temptation to transform into an R&B step expected from those such as Lady Gaga.

Secondly, the dancers touched each other, which I also found odd. Their movements were carefully choreographed to overlap - clasping hands, bending and twisting over one another. In other performances, I've noticed a sense of isolation between the dancers - though they may be together on the stage, they individually complete similar moves as one might expect from a field of robots. These dancers were dependent on each other - each part had to work perfectly together to complete the whole - but beyond that, they changed each other's movements and paths. I know the entire performance is planned, yet it almost seemed as though they got to choose what to do and had to change their choices based on what the others did.

Thirdly, I was able to notice themes of meaning with each set. Normally in modern dance, I pretend that I understand a deeper meaning - as though some movements represent sadness while others joy. This time I didn't have to pretend or imagine - they communicated their message clearly with the music tempo, type, title, and selected movements. I felt as though I understood - which in my previous modern dance experience is rare.

A breath of fresh air full of meaning and depth, this modern dance performance was surprising and inspiring. Either this dance company is brilliant or I am finally "old" enough or "cultured" enough to get it. I'll conclude that San Francisco's Lines Ballet is truly brilliant.

something politically positive...

Michelle Obama talks about her nationwide campaign to fight childhood obesity called "Let's Move."

Political party preferences aside, I think childhood obesity is a serious concern and am thankful for the media/conversations/awareness this campaign has launched. I look forward to hearing how they intend to achieve these goals - especially from a "top down" approach.

Berkeley has some pretty creative solutions that I am really proud of... such as Alice Waters' Elementary School Edible Garden Project and the Berkeley Ecology Center's plans to help local farmers markets accept food stamps.

What do you think?

(childhood obesity... not if you like Michelle or not :)

Capp Street: Albany Waterfront

Twice in the last month I've managed to put Kevin into a panic concerning my safety. I love to walk and explore and sometimes I'll leave for a walk and wont return for several hours. This month, I've spent hours walking around one place - the Albany Waterfront. I want to "figure it out" - see who is there, what is there, and why. It is an unusual space; at times seeming purposely composed and at other times as though the whole park was created on accident. It is full of tension and opposing forces. I am drawn to the tension - frequently musing about how to resolve its strangeness.

This week, I took my camera along and tried to capture some of these relationships by photo. But first, I'd like to give you a better idea of where the waterfront is located. The first map shows the SF Bay area...

This second map shows the waterfront park up close - the dots and numbers correspond to where I took the photos.

This first photograph captures the tension between Beauty/Water/Solitude and Traffic/Busy/Noise. There is a sandy beach, waves gently crashing into the rocks with industrial fragments/waste and a freeway lingering in the horizon. The noise is inescapable.

The next two photos symbolize growth versus decay. Both are happening at once. Bricks poke up out of the ground as you walk... Concrete chunks sit in the water... yet both are surrounded by green, growth and vitality.

I was very surprised (though in retrospect I should have not been) to see people secretly living on the waterfront. Some of the side trails led past several tents. People claim some of the land as their own and carve out their unique space. I didn't take many photos because I felt intrusive. Thankfully it was early in the morning and nobody really seemed to be awake.

Visitors, on the other hand, were primarily dog walkers/joggers. They didn't venture too far out onto the peninsula - perhaps they had previously wandered too far as I had.

A large part of the waterfront is fenced off for restoration projects. One of the photos below shows signs put up along the beginning of the fence. A wood fence is only used near the entrance - it soon turns into the standard metal wire/chain link.

This photo shows two paths - I noticed this as I was walking out, back to my own neighborhood. The path to the left, unpaved, belongs to the restoration while the path to the right, manicured and mowed, belongs to the neighboring racetrack. I find it ironic that there are two paths right next to each other. Did the racetrack decide to just ignore the existing path in an attempt to pretend it didn't exist?

As I wandered further out I found larger piles of waste, including bundles of twisted metal, molding stretches of carpet, and discarded insulation. At the tip of the peninsula I found sculptures (made by visitors or residents?). This perfectly represented the tension between sculpture and junk. To one it is merely a medium for creative expression, to another it symbolizes the end of an idea.

I have seen random pamphlets around Albany inviting proposals to develop this land. I wonder what will come of it... will it become more "civilized" as it's neighbor, the Berkeley Marina, or will it maintain it's junk/raw character?